I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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