I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
