i don't like sucking hair
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
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Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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