I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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