I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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