its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
