Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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