wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
