My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
