Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
