Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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