The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
false alarm. still invincible.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
