rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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