i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
