so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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