I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She bit a glass in half.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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