I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
