Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
