I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
