Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
