You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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