Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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