the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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