Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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