Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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