You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
