I can tuck mytits in my pants
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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