made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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