can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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