I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
