Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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