i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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