I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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