Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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