I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
