so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
