I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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