i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
