come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
