Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
