We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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