Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and i looked up. we had an audience...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
