Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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