I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
