Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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