Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
