I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
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Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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