I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
