nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
