If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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