he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
