how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
