be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
