Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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